Keep Calm and Conference On

Fall 2020 • Expert Advice • Mom2Mom

Amanda Morin, Senior Expert at Understood.org, gives her advice on parent-teacher conferences.

By Amanda Morin, Senior Editor at Understood

Talking to my child’s teacher should be easy for me. After all, I’m a former teacher, education writer, and mom of three children ranging in age from 10 to 24 years old. I know what it’s like to be the teacher who is nervous about starting a potentially difficult conversation with a parent, and what it’s like to be the teacher who is delighted to be sharing great news.

I also have about 20 years of experience participating in parent-teacher conferences for my own kids. I know that working with the teacher can give me a fuller understanding about anything that’s happening in class that I may not be seeing at home.

And as an expert, I can point to research that shows that partnerships between schools and families can improve students’ grades, attendance, persistence, and motivation. And I can share neuroscience studies that back up that having a good relationship with a teacher has a positive effect on students’ brains. (How cool is that? When kids connect well with teachers, it can actually change the way their brain works.)

I’ve written books, articles, and worksheets to help families prepare to have meetings with teachers and to help teachers prepare to have meetings with families.

Yet, despite all of my experience and knowledge, when parent-teacher conference time rolls around, my nerves kick in. It’s not easy to start the conversation or anticipate where it might go.

So, I try to remember my own advice. Here are my top tips for parent-teacher conference prep:

1. Touch base with your child.

It’s easy to overlook the fact that when it really comes down to it, parent-teacher conferences are about your child’s experience in school. So, it’s important to know from your child how things are going. If your school doesn’t do student-led conferences, make sure to talk to your child ahead of time. Ask how school is going and if there’s anything your child would like you to discuss with the teacher. That also gives you the chance to reassure your child that a parent-teacher a conference doesn’t mean anything is wrong — everybody has them this time of year.

2. Get your thoughts in order.

Conferences tend to be about 20 minutes long. That’s not a lot of time, so gathering your thoughts ahead of time can help maximize it. Think through what you want to make sure the teacher knows. For example: How’s distance learning going? Are there things that are helping your child thrive or things that are more of a struggle? Has your family gone through any big changes that could help the teacher understand your child better?

3. Put it on paper.

Make a bulleted list of the thoughts and questions you’d like to cover, prioritized in order of importance. You may even want to share your list with the teacher before your conference to help guide the conversation. It can help you both remember what you wanted to talk about if the conversation veers off track. But don’t worry if you don’t get to everything, especially if the track you veered onto is productive. If you still have things to discuss, you can ask about finding a time to continue the conversation.

4. Set the tone.

Parent-teacher conferences can get emotional, especially if your child has some struggles in school. Let the teacher know that you want to be able to speak openly and have a productive conversation about helping your child be successful in the classroom. That means each of you will need to respect the unique knowledge the other brings to the table.

That is sometimes easier said than done, so think through and establish your own boundaries for the conversation. If you’re comfortable, you can share them with the teacher, so they become agreed-upon meeting norms. A couple of suggestions:

·       Be respectful of time — both your own and the teacher’s. Arrive on time and wrap up within the time allotted. Expect the same of the teacher. If the meeting begins late, ask if you can run over. If that’s not an option, ask to reschedule.

·       Expect to be treated with respect when sharing your thoughts, and show the same respect for the teacher.

·       Presume good intention. If you feel it’s necessary to make that clear, explain to the teacher that you work under the assumption that everyone has the best of intentions for this discussion.

·       Be open to hearing information you didn’t know, even if it’s uncomfortable to hear.

·       Know that it’s OK to say you need some time to process what you’re hearing before responding, and that the teacher may need to do so as well.    

5. Use “I” statements.

These statements let you share your thoughts in a way that sounds less personal. It’s easier to be heard when you frame what you say through your perspective. “I” sentences start with phrases like “I noticed,” “I’m worried,” or “I feel.”

For instance, saying “Why do my child’s essays get low grades, but you don’t add comments about how to improve the writing?” may put a teacher on the defensive and shut down what could be a productive conversation.

Instead, you could say, “I notice that you don’t provide written feedback on my child’s essays. Have you spoken to my child about what needs improvement?” This explains your concern, shows that you’re considering that feedback may have been provided already, and allows for more conversation.

6. Try to be solution-oriented.

It’s easy to identify problems, but it’s helpful to also come to the table with ideas for solutions. For example, if you know that taking a “brain break” every half hour helps your child focus more easily at home, suggest seeing if it works at school too. Or, if you don’t have a solution, let the teacher know you’d like to work together to find one and not just point out a concern. If you’re not looking for a solution and just wanted to share information, make sure that’s clear.

7. Follow up with your child.

Talking after the conference is important. It can relieve any worry your child may have had about how the conversation went. It gives you a chance to share any information related to what your child wanted you to discuss with the teacher. It allows you to share any solutions that were talked about so your child knows what to expect. Most of all, though, it lets your child know you’re open to talking about school.

My best advice, though, is something that I use as a mantra: Stay calm. Parent-teacher conferences can be nerve-racking. They can feel big and overwhelming. But I take a few deep breaths and remember that parents and teachers share a common goal. We’re all just trying to provide the best learning experience for our kids.